Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Delayed Reaction

I'm not sure why this post never got published, but this was written several months back....

I have been dying to try to face one of my worst fears -- rejection. I always thought I could never bear the humiliation of being rejected by someone you bravely asked out. Because putting yourself up there, not knowing what would be the response, could be so mind-boggling that you lean more into the "no"-reply and start wishing you never existed. I thought only guys had this paranoia. Now I know this sort of thing also happens to women.

For years, I have struggled to show my flirty side, which I recently found out I have none. My closest friends, especially the men, commented after a series of potential-mate incidents, that my idea of flirting is not even close to the actual thing. Which means, all the men I thought I've shown interest in probably assumed I was just being friendly, or worse, they were just not interested.

Then it finally happened. A guy who I believe to have shown interest many months back reappeared. He was sending all these mixed signals, and I know I really wasn't (due to the lack of flirting ability) so I'm not sure if I gave him the wrong impression. But this time, I saw no trace of vagueness or weird humor, which used to confuse me, in a nice way. We got into talking again, and I was more eager this time. After a few minutes of sushi talk, I popped the question, "You wanna have Jap food some time?" Blood rushed to my face the moment I realized what I've just said. The old panic-sticken paranoia. But to hell with it, I thought, it's already out there. I finally calmed myself. Then he said it.... No.

Hmm... ok, back to present time. I have yet again allowed myself to be in another roller coaster situation. For the first time, I have dared myself to actually go a little bit beyond the borders of friendship, which eventually turned sour. After weeks of confusion, frustration and denial, I have fallen into my own trap. Lost and scorned, I still wondered why I just couldn't let go. Then, crazy as it is, I realized how much I liked the person, despite of all the hurtful things that could've been left unsaid. Sometimes we just need to admit it to ourselves first before we could actually get over it.

Ok, before the curses and screams, it made me realize another important thing. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I used to imagine myself running to the hills and hiding for a very long time. But nothing was lost. The world didn't stop turning. I'm still here, waiting, with unfailing hope, that someday my time would come. Sometimes I forget that He always tries to test our patience. Like wise men always say, "Trust in God and you will never go wrong". For now, I'm absolutely sure that He has made me capable of swallowing my pride.

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